It's so frustrating...

....when your in a bitchy mood because your pregnant and everything is annoying you, and you know it's just the hormones but it still doesn't stop you from being bitchy...kinda a catch-22.

I feel bad for Nate...

Nate has always tried to tell me good things about his dad and it's not that he is a bad guy but they just aren't as close as Nate wishes they could be. I think it's always been like this. I noticed this the most the other day when Nate got off the phone with him, he just seemed disappointed but he kept saying he was fine. My dad lives in Mass. but him and I are closer and talk more than Nate and his dad. My dad makes sure everything is covered when we talk. "How's life, how's the baby, how's your marriage, how's Nate's work?" etc. We've seen my dad just as many times as we've seen Nate's and Nate's dad lives twenty minutes away. I've tried talking to Nate about this because when we got our first place, Nate was 17, and said nothing but great things about his dad. Over time though, he started to say more stuff about his past and his dad, how he has three memories of his dad at his youngest remembered age. They are getting a Nintendo, reading the newspaper one morning, and then his dad walking out after his parents screamed at each other for what seemed to be hours, Nate could only have been 3 or 4 and he remembered that moment so clearly. I know there has been good points, don't get me wrong, but I get the feeling that Nate and his dad have always just been out of reach of that connection a father and son should have. Right before Kaia was born about a year and a half ago, Nate and his dad got into a horrible fight at our apartment that ended in his dad grabbing him and backing him up against the wall on the couch after Nate screamed at him and then Nate punching him. Nate fell to his knees, he looked like everything he had ever worked for, or done, good or bad, everything that made his existence just fell apart. He looked at me a couple days later crying and said "I punched my own dad." Is there anyone out there that isn't close to a parent? Anyone that might be able to help me help Nate? At this point he just wants something to be there before it's too late but in the end he is scared and almost mad at his dad still for everything in the past to bring it up himself and I don't know what to say anymore to encourage him. If you ask Nate's dad or stepmom they'll say that his dad was always there through thick and thin for him and his sister, if you ask his mom she'll say he was and is a no good, lack of child support, loser. If you ask Nate and his sister, they'll tell you they remember there dad as the dad they went and saw every other weekend to go to up to Applebees with Uncle John. Nate's dad has done good things that I know for sure, like let Nate live with him and his wife and her two kids for a couple of months when he got into a big fight at his moms house. And every time there was a fight, Nate called his dad. But beyond that, there wasn't much of anything it seems. Just a couple of uncomfortable handshakes and hellos and lots of trying with no foward pace. So once again I ask, is there anyone here who isn't or wasn't close to a parent? How do you feel? Or howdid you feel? What stopped or started it? What made it better or worse? I know Nate feels that the older he gets the more distant him and his dad will be. I'd like to help stop this before it gets any worse.

Like the new look? Thanks to Kristine the amazing blogging goddess who made it look so much better!

So I haven't posted in awhile, I haven't been slacking off my posting duties, I've just been in the hospital with Kaia for four days. She's sick again. She never really got better after the first time but this time it was much worse. I have never been vomited on or pooped on more in my life. She couldn't keep even jello down. So she got dehydrated and needed to be admitted for Iv fluids. It took two days to get her to eat. She's lost a lot of weight. But we're home now and I'll write more later. We've been home for a day or so but I haven't had time to write. Hopefully we'll all start getting better from here on out.

Venting.....

I haven't posted much lately. Kaia's been pretty sick. She got over the rotovirus that sent her to the hospital. This week she has developed a new virus and had to go to the ER again for a fever of 105.2. Many tests were done to rule out causes for this high fever no ear infections, no UTI, nothing basically she has another nasty virus and we just have to wait it out. Well I'm pretty sick of waiting it out. Kaia woke up vomiting for the first time in her life today. Since this morning she has vomited 6 more times. We're going to take her to the doctor to see if there's anything he can do. She is miserable and cannot keep down anything. I for one know that I am at my wits end with these viruses and cold and ear infections. It seems like every week it's something new and I want her to just be better!!!! I hate seeing my bright beautiful girl laying on the couch doing nothing because she's so sick. I'm off to the pediatrician, I'll write more later.

Doesn't she look tired in this photo? Ever since easter and the season's changing she hasn't been sleeping as well, poor baby!  

*Warning* I'd prefer if Nate's family didn't read this post, I was very upset about some things that happened the other day and while I didn't say anything mean or upsetting about anyone person in particular I did have to mention some people in order to tell my story of what upset me. You may not like it but this is my blog and I gave you fair warning if you read it and it upsets you; you do so at your own risk.


I want to ask the few people who read this blog about proper pregnacy etiquette. Yesterday N and I went out to his mother's house to do some work on the brakes of the car, and to visit. N's Mother lives about 45 minutes away from us in a rural area. When we got there only his stepfather and sister were there. It was pretty boring to be honest but I made the best of it while N and his stepfather worked on the car. I took Kaia for long walks around the house in their big woodsy yard. Stopped her from picking up things and eating them. Changed her diaper. Made her some food. Repeated the walk. Needless to say she got bored pretty quickly. So we went in. Now let me explain what N's mother's house is like. It's dirty. Sure it's picked up but there is an inch layer of dust on everything. There was a big bucket of ashes by the fireplace, in place where little hands could get them. The kitchen was a mess, food on the stove that has been there for days (and smelled pretty bad too). The kitchen floor looked like it hadn't been washed in months. Long story short it was dirty, it was germy and disgusting there was a layer of dog hair all over everything. (Kaia was scared of the dog.) The house was freezing cold because it was a really chilly day out by where they lived and there was no heat on. Normally none of this would be a big problem, but since I have gotten pregnant smells, tend to bother me greatly. The whole basic smell of the house made me very nauseous, but it wasn't' too bad until N's stepfather built a great big fire in the fireplace and filled the whole house with a smell of wood burning. Pre-pregnacy this smell only gave me a mild headache. Yesterday it gave me a near migraine headache and made me so sick to my stomach that I was afraid to talk or move because I might vomit (what's the nice way of saying this? barf,throw-up, puke didn't seem very appropriate) .
Then to top it off N's stepfather decided to make dinner that had the smell of ground meat and onions frying.(I cannot stand the smell) I tried to tell N as discreetly as possible that I really wanted to be at home because I wasn't feeling well. He blew it off and refused to leave. I tried to deal with it as best as I could but eventually had to go out to the car for some fresh air. N came out mad and said I was being rude and it led to an argument. (In front of his stepfather,too) I was upset because I felt that he wasn't respecting the fact that I was sick, and wanted to go home. He felt that I wasn't trying hard enough to put that aside for him so he could see his family. We eventually talked through this and made up, but that wasn't until later when were at home. But back t his mother's house, we went inside and proceeded to ignore each other and I sat and watched T.V while Kaia played.(Trust me there was nothing else to do) All the while all these smells are bothering me and I'm starting to feel sicker and sicker by the minute. N's mother comes home and asks me in a pretty rude way what would I be doing at home that I couldn't d o there. I told her that it was just a basic comfort thing that I wasn't feeling well, was therefore in a bad mood because of it and there were certain smells bothering me that I'd like to get away from. She then rolled her eyes and walked away.I felt very out of place when she did this.To me it seemed uncalled for to have her approach me in an agressive manner and ask me this question. I also thought it was rude of her to roll her eyes and walk away. What should I have said internet? What should I have done? I eventually ended up going into the bathroom and crying until N finally agreed to leave. By that time it was almost 8 in the evening and I had been sick all day and was frustrated and just wanted to be home. N apologized later and said he didn't realize how sick I was but what is bothering me is his family's attitude the entire time. They treated me like I was the one in the wrong and like I was being unreasonable. Because of these attitudes, I'm asking the internet for their opinions, I need to know was I out of line for wanting to leave? Should I have not said anything at all? What is the proper etiquette for this when you are pregnant and smells bother you greatly? I need some advice on this so please let me know!!!

Hospital

This was quite possibly one of the worst weeks of my life. For the first time my daughter was sick enough to have to go to the hospital and it was terrifying for the both of us. On a scale of one to ten of illness hers barely ranked a three but it was the fact that things had to be done and IV's had to be inserted that terrified her and caused her pain and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
Late last Monday night I noticed that Kaia was acting more crabby and tired then usual and I put her to bed a half hour early. Tuesday morning she woke up screaming and crying at six a.m. with a horrible case of diarrhea and one of the worst rashes I have seen her have. It took forever to calm her down. The wiping hurt her butt so bad because it was so sore and red that N had to help my and hold her down while I changed her. She finally went back to sleep until about eight thirty that morning when she woke up the exact same way. She was having horrible diapers and needed to be changed almost every twenty minutes each diaper had very little pee and tons of poop . I called the doctor and got her in for an early appointment at around elevenish. The doctor diagnosed her with rotovirus. And prescribed Pedialyte to keep her hydrated and told us to watch her closely and get her to drink as much as possible.

Easier said then done.

Kai was not having any of it she hated the pedialyte even when mixed with ginger ale, juice and etc. She wouldn't take plain water and wouldn't eat. All day we tried to get her to eat or drink we only got her to eat two cups of jello and that was it. By about ten-thirty that night she hadn't urinated since early that morning and when she cried no tears came out. We called my stepmother who is an RN and were told to take her to the ER.We then called our insurance companies 24 hr nurse hotline and see what they thought, they also said to take her in. So we did. We were there all night still changing diaper after diaper and all the while she was refusing to drink or eat. She was even turning down formula in her favorite bottle. We finally were seen at about two thirty in the morning and an hour later they started an IV. Getting it in was horrible. It took two nurses and N to hold Kaia down and all the while she was screaming and crying Mama over and over. In order to keep the IV from coming out they had to strap her arm to a board so it would stay straight. She couldn't bend her arm and she hated it. Finally worn out from all the crying ( all the while she was so dehydrated no tears came out) I laid down on the bed and she fell asleep on top of me. We stayed like that for about two hours. N had to go home because he needed to be at work at ten a.m that morning. So it was just be and Kai at some point I drifted off as well and we woke up to the nurse telling me that her IV came out and I looked down and there was blood all over my shirt and the bed. It was mixed with the IV fluid so it looked worse then it was but it was still not a great way to wake up. They admitted Kaia and we were taken upstairs to the pede's unit and they had to do yet another IV. By this time is was almost seven and I was exhausted and so was Kai having gotten only two hours of sleep. (Me even less) So this IV was worse then the first one. Finally it was over and we were taken to her room where she cried for almost an hour. I finally rocked her to sleep but nurses kept coming in and waking her up for various reasons every fifteen minutes. My mother came and I finally was able to give Kaia to her so I could sleep for an hour or so. My mother was great she rocked with Kaia for two hours straight in a rocking chair(Thanks Mom!) while I tried to get some sleep too. But they admitted another baby with rotovirus and he was in the same room as us and he cried and cried for longer then Kai did. Amazingly(is this a word??) Kaia slept through it. I however did not. Finally I went and got some lunch when i came back Kaia did seem to be doing better and my mom left the two of us to play together. Things went really well for an hour or so. I got Kaia to eat some jello (she wouldn't touch the lemon jello! had to be the cherry!!) and drink a small bottle of formula mixed with pedialyte (really small only 4 ounces, I haven't made a bottle that small since she was born!). N's Grandmother (Kaias Great-Grandma!) came to see her and she walked in just as Kaia had a huge meltdown. She was crying and screaming for at least fifteen minutes for no apparent reason, I changed her diaper, held her rocked her, offered the bottle, tried to let her walk for a minute nothing was working. Finally the nurse comes in and checks her IV, it was infiltrated or something. Meaning basically it had slipped out of her vein but was still in her arm and her arm was swelling up! By the time the nurse figured it out it was three times her normal size. I felt horrible for not noticing. Her arm had been wrapped with tape and gauze and cotton to prevent the IV from moving (all that crap on her arm apparently didn't work) so I could barely see her skin. Even still I still feel like the world's worst mother! They decided to just leave the IV out and see how she did over the next few hours. And thankfully she started taking more bottles mixed with pedialyte and ate another bowl of jello. By the evening she was up and around and more cheerful. Still very very tired but cheerful nonetheless. At around eight thirty that night they decided to let her go home and we were able to leave. I was incredibly nervous. I definitely didn't want to wind up bringing her back but I sucked it up and did it. We went home and she promptly fell asleep all snuggled in her bed.(Being paranoid Mommy that is me I stayed up to sanitize all her toys and the apartment, thanks goodness for Lysol or else I'd have been up even later, it says right on eh back of the can that it kills the rotovirus germs!!!) She slept until twelve thirty the next day only waking up once to have a diaper change and another bottle with pedialyte. (Lots of pee in her diaper!) She was up for an hour and half and then went back down for a two hour nap. Woke up had some dinner of jello and pedialyte pops and went back to sleep. (Poor baby was so tired she fell asleep on the floor under her favorite blankie while I was doing the dishes, I didn't put her there she decided to lay down and go to sleep!)

Some people might not think that this is a very stressful week but for me it was. I realize kids go to the hospital for worse things everyday, but for me this was as stressful as it gets. It was Kaias first time being admitted to the hospital and seeing her in pain and that sick really was hard to watch. Being her mommy you want to do anything you can to make her better and when you can't it's the world's worst feeling. Add absolutely no sleep in two days, little food, and being pregnant, you have one very stressful week. I am still catching up on my sleep and getting back to a normal schedule. Kaia however is thankfully slowly getting better. We saw her pediatrician this morning and he gave the ok for her to start eating light things like toast and noodles, no fruits or sugars or dairy just yet. We also have to limit the acidic vegetables(tomatoes,etc), so she's a little out of sorts until she can get back to her regular diet.
If this post seems a little muddled and confusing I apologize like I said I am just getting back to normal sleep and schedules and I am not really able to be very articulate right now. But hopefully more cheerful things will be coming soon!

Update

Wow, okay busy ,horrible exhausting week has been had. Spent two days in hospital with Kaia. I'll write more tonight when I have a chance.

I'm back!

**Warning jumbled mess of random thoughts and things I did this week ahead***

Blogger is finally allowing me to sign back in so no more short little posts through hello!

It's been a pretty busy week for me. Kaia has been "talking" a mile a minute, apparently she doesn't come with an off switch so late into the night I can hear her babbling in her crib to her stuffed animals. Twice she was up until almost 1 a.m just talking. She then sleeps in until 10-10:30. Which has been fine with me as I prefer to sleep in but it throws off her whole schedule so it has been hard getting her back into a routine. I have no idea why she has been staying up so late. She seems fine and isn't fussing so maybe she just doesn't need as much sleep?

In other news I don't know if I've mentioned this to the internet before but I wear a Cochlear Implant* specifically the ESprit 22 at on this page..http://cochlearamericas.com/Storefront/ I also have the Sprint but rely on my good ol' 22 for the most part. (With the implant I hear about 705 out of my ear) I was always deaf in my right ear, but in the summer of 1998 I went deaf one night in my left ear. They never knew why I was born deaf in my right and don't really have a clear idea of why I lost the hearing in my left. I never fully considered myself a deaf person I always had hearing and had a hearing family and always could read lips to make up for what I misheard( I did this so well they didn't know I was deaf in my right ear until I was 4). So being a teenager and losing all your hearing can be pretty devastating. I bet your wondering why I'm telling you all this. Well the last time I went to my audiologist to check on my implant was in 2000. So I figured I should go in for a check up. My appointment was last Thursday. So I go there I see my audiologist who informs me that my implant is no longer made and the parts are getting harder and harder to obtain because it was obsolete last December. So they are going to be upgrading me to this implant http://cochlearamericas.com/Products/261.asp or this one http://cochlearamericas.com/Products/333.asp. I prefer the first one because it has many more features and is water resistant. As if that wasn't enough good news, I also find out that now do implants in the second ear. In 2000 as far as I knew they didn't do second implants in the other ear and most likely wouldn't anytime soon. They reserved the second ear for future advancements. So I never thought about having hearing in my right ear. Ever. So imagine my surprise when I was told that I could and that my audiologist actually recommended it. I'm still in a weird state of shock. At the earliest I'd be able to get the second implant at the beginning of next year. It requires surgery and general anathesia(sp?) so I can't do it while I'm preggers. But it is a lot to think about. I feel like I've been handed an amazing surprise that I never ever thought I'd get in a million years. So that was a pretty big event this week.

I also got my first ultrasound of the baby. On Thursday I was 8 weeks and 5 days. As of posting I am officially 9 weeks. Farther along then I thought. I'd post pics but I don't have the cable I need to hook up my printer/scanner yet. Besides it's just a little itty bitty blob right now. At the next ultrasound we will be able to tell what it is. So Internet I need baby name ideas. The way we found Kaia's name was totally random and N's idea. So help! Name suggestions would be great! I apologize for the unorganization and jumbledness of this post, I have so many thoughts in my head right now it's hard to write I'll write more later about some of it.

* A Cochlear Implant is as best as I can explain it an external processor that relays digital sounds to a computer chip implanted in my head and converts into energy that sends it to a wire(it's not actually a wire but you get the idea) in my cochlea. Those signals and electrical energy are bypassing my nerves and sending it to the brain and the brain processes it as sound. What I hear is exactly what I used to hear before I lost my hearing so it's not different in anyway....amazing the things they think of huh?? For a more technical explanation go here and download one of the flash programs http://cochlearamericas.com/Experience/13.asp*