I know I promised the story of how Nate and I got together, but lately I can't seem to muster up the energy to think that far back and go into all the details. It is a long and complicated story involving not just Nate and myself. So I think before I write it, I need to talk to the other people involved and see if they are ok with my putting it out there on the Internet.
Instead I will talk about my total lack of posting and why. Lately I have nothing really good to say. I am tired I am bloated. Kaia is growing and developing faster then my 9 month pregnant self can keep up with. I am crabby and tired. While I am so grateful for this experience of having a normal pregnancy and not having to constantly worry that I'm going to go into labor too early, I am past that point now, and it is killing me. The constant kidney shots by this big boy. The lack of sleep from being up every hour to pee or to roll over (I can no longer roll over without effort). This is all new territory for me and often times after only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep, it seems like all I am capable of is making sure Kaia, dressed and the house is clean. Nate has been wonderful and supportive. I love him for it. But I am ready for this baby to come out now!!!
Did I mention the constant worry? I worry by nature, about EVERYTHING. People tell me to relax but I just can't. I worry that something terrible will happen with the umbilical cord (if it can happen on ER it can happen right??). I worry that if I lift something that is too heavy I'll do something to him. I worry when Kaia and I lay on the bed together and play and she'll suddenly kick out at me. It's never very hard but what if she kicks the baby? I need to see him. I need to know he's ok and to hold him in my arms and reassure myself that he has ten fingers and toes and that he is developed the way he should be. I need to meet this little creature who has taken over my body. It's always there in the back of my head that if something happened I wouldn't know immediately and even if I did, would I be able to do anything about it? I can pick Kaia up after a fall and kiss her "ouchie" and make it all better. I can reassure myself when the fears creep up at 3am by simply going into her room and making sure she is still breathing and is safe and sound. I can't do that with him. All I can do is lie there and wait for a kick or a slight movement. Since he is getting bigger the kicks and moving have been a little less then usual and scares me to death. All this is going through my mind and at times it is very hard to write. I don't want this blog to be something negative to become a list of all my complaints and worries. So I have been avoiding it, waiting for him to make his appearance and hoping that the fears will go away. But then I realized what better place to get all this out then here. What other place am I free to post anything I want? To say anything I need to. So here it is.
